Last year at on this exact day I said goodbye to being a figure skater, I mean said goodbye to competing and training every day and still, it feels like the biggest decision I ever had to make. It was such an important point in my life that I felt like it's worth reflecting back on this last year.
To be honest I still miss it like crazy and it still breaks my heart sometimes that those days are over, but at the same time I am happy that I made the decision because I have grown and learned so much during this last year. I wasn't an easy year, but I did just fine, so I am proud of myself. Being an athlete was my everything for 16 years and last summer after saying goodbye to it, I felt lost, but at the same time, I felt free. I am not saying it was an overall easy summer for me because I was emotional and I was just sitting at home not knowing what I was supposed to do with my first ever free summer or even with my life. Of course, I knew that in September university is going to start, but other that that I had no clue. I fell apart and I felt like I won't be able to adjust.
Then university came and suddenly there was a whole new life ahead of me. I gained experiences and got friends, which I don't think I would've been able to get if my whole life was still about skating.
Being an athlete for me was about challenges and this year I learned to find my challenges elsewhere and I learned that I can do whatever I want, I just have to keep trying and that I can be good at living this life, even though sometimes I feel like I wasn't made for this world and I feel like an alien amongst people around. I got to a point in my life when I am ready to let skating go, even if it hurts like hell thinking about it. I feel like it was my "training wheel", which never let me fall (too big) and which was alway there when I needed a little bit of support. It made me feel like I belong somewhere like I have a home amongst all the craziness that was going on. For the first time in a long time, I feel like I am home again, I feel like belong and I don't need my "training wheels" anymore.
I thought skating was my world, my everything. It will always be. But it was the beginning of my story and there will be so much more to it because there is so much more room in my life for anything else. My lesson I learned during this past year is to not to be afraid of change. If a situation doesn't give you enough room to grow and improve don't be afraid to make a change, even if it hurts like hell. Maybe it won't feel like a good decision at first, it will only feel right maybe, but not necessarily good. If you give time to it it can turn out as a great thing, you just have to give yourself time to adjust. I for one am a person who hates changes, but I knew and felt like I was stuck, although I loved being a skater. This was the first big, adult- like decision I made, most importantly made for myself and not for my career as an athlete and I am so happy I made it, because now I have these whole new experiences and so much space to grow.
Until next time,
Bianka
